Creepy Christianity

By | July 13, 2013

Things are getting a bit too creepy for me in sectors of American Evangelicalism.  First we have some computer apps that will allow the authoritarian loving pastor to keep better track of his flock.  Depending upon the size of your flock this may be a bit tough to accomplish, but the basic idea is you keep a file on every giving unit member in your church.  From this data base the pastor can quickly cull information on who has been a regular attender and who may need to be disciplined lovingly encouraged to show up more frequently.

1 keep track of members

Use your member database to keep track of church attendance

As I mentioned above, if a pastor is charged with caring for a large flock it may be tough to accurately keep track of everyone.  That is where the next idea comes into play.  I don’t think the app is developed yet, but no doubt some control freak loving member of the clergy is currently working on it.  This app would interface with the pastor’s attendance app and allow the average mind-numbed robot pew sitter to report his own attendance.  An RSVP announcing your absence at the upcoming church service would weigh heavily in the authoritarian loving pastor’s  decision of whether to implement disciplinary action immediately or hold off  a few weeks and further evaluate the giving units members attendance.

Granted, getting your flock to accept this app and actually start reporting their attendance may take some arm twisting loving encouragement, but with some careful eisegesis exegesis of biblical passages such as Numbers 4 you should be able to convince all but the most stubborn of your sheep the biblical basis for this.

1 rsvp church

“I’m sorry, I won’t be at church this weekend”

Next we see the need for changing some terms in Christianity.  Many churches have already effectively changed the meanings of some terms such as “congregationalism” from a democratic ruling of the church to a benevolent (hopefully) dictatorship where the pastor implements whatever he wishes and the giving units members give their non-critical rubber stamp of approval.

Well, now we see the need for an outright word change from “member” to “owner.” It seems this not so subtle change will be effective in psychologically increasing member “buy-in” undoubtedly increasing financial giving, service and loyalty.  Judging from the few comments this will probably be an even harder sell than the RSVP system, but a truly manipulative loving pastor will be able to gently persuade the sheep of the benefits of the change.

1 owners not members

Finally I found this video linked to at the above web site.  Perhaps the makers of the video have a point, other than making money on their new software, but I am a bit skeptical.  Will not prayer, loving concern for the individual you are discipling and studying the bible together work anymore?  One wonders how Christianity survived prior to the computer.  Just think if Christ would have delayed his earthly ministry until the advent of the computer – his kingdom would have spread so much faster!

[vimeo w=400&h=300]

Inline Feedbacks
View all comments